Because I am visibly fat, it has became a part of my identity to others. When people ask, “Who is Crystal”. Alot of times, the first thing people say may be, “She’s fat, black woman…”. Usually the FIRST adjective that people use is the main thing in their mind that sticks out about you. It will be the first thing that ignorant people will judge you for and assume that that’s how they are going to treat you based on that initial judgement. That’s what I realized.
However, fat is an identity for me because… well… I AM FAT. However, MY fat identity is different because of my differences in connotation. FAT is beautiful. FAT is sexy. FAT is not bad. FAT is NOT, “Your fat, but beautiful”, according to society. There’s is NO “but” for me. There is no stereotypical irony, when I talk about FAT. Because I am reclaiming the word “FAT” and changing the societal definition, this became MY OWN IDENTITY that I ACCEPT. Sure, other people have their perceptions of me because of my weight, but it doesn’t mean that I will accept it. I play my MY OWN FUCKING RULES.
“Identity and Others’ Perceptions: FAT.”
So I needed to vent for a moment because I have noticed that people seemed to be overly concerned with what people of size do with and to their bodies. I have experienced this personally and as I have became better in loving myself for who I am, it seems that I am noticing the patterns alot more. Before, I would blindly think that if people were suggesting things for me to wear, or what to eat, or where to sit, if and how I should change my body, or where I place my body, it was because they were either “curious” or “concerned”. However, now I realize that people think that I should be aware of my weight at all times, ruminating about it at all times, be self-conscious about my weight at all times, so people bring it up… and it’s getting to be quite damn annoying.
As being a fat young woman, especially on the heavier end of fatness, I’m pretty damn sure I’m aware. You don’t have to tell me twice; I know I’m fat and when you bring it up and act like it should be a big deal, that’s when I get ticked off.
I have came to the conclusion that it seems to be that THEY have the problem with fatness and not me. THEY are aware of it, THEY are thinking about it, THEY may not like it, THEY may judge you for it, so THEY feel that THEY can be concerned about it. It’s not you, it’s them, so if people come to you about crap about your weight, understand that it’s their thinking about you and you don’t have to change if you don’t want to.
There’s some situations that I will like to briefly bring up.
First, I remember shopping for my 22nd birthday, I was trying to get some accessories for this BANGIN’ outfit from Torrid, so I went to the Chinese hair store to get some accessories. When I got to the necklaces, a plus-sized woman who said she used to model that worked there was like, “You need something small and dainty, that necklace will bring attention to your size” and she went on about how people should look at you as a person, and her styling experiences, and blah, blah, blah, and tried to oversell certain things… Woman, I AM FAT! Regardless of what necklaces, shoes, bags, hair, nails, etc., I wear, there is nothing I can do about that! All big women do not think of “Will this make me smaller?” when selecting clothing! Even heavy people assume that we all are “on the same level” and we’re not! I’m sorry, but I’m not jumping off the bridge with you! And I also notice when I go to different stores not catering to plus size individuals when people don’t greet me the same, so don’t be caught slippin’!
Then, that same night, some drunk, white thin woman at the club was harassing me and asking all these ignorant questions. She asked me, “Do you like your size?” and then made drunken insulting references to my weight… What type of question is that? If it wasn’t my birthday, I would’ve punched the hell out of her, but I chose to be the bigger person and excuse myself from the situation. Because I showed up fly with a cute mini-dress and a bold blazer with cute accessories, are you shocked to see a fat woman in style? Are you uncomfortable with this? Is this a big oxymoron to you? I bet you thought I would show up with conservative clothing and not come in the club feelin’ myself, huh? Wrong. Girl-bye! I went on my business while she continued to harass other people.
Then, I’ve had situations at my college campus dining facilities when I would go up to get food and serving staff would serve me different. For example, if I went to the burger section and asked for a cheeseburger (that’s it), a worker would give me too much attention. “Is that enough?”, then I’d be like “yes” and try to leave to go to the salad or drink line and they would still try to hold me up and be like, “You sure? I can get some chicken for you on the grill… or this… or this”. And they would NOT be all that EXTRA with anyone else. If I SPECIFICALLY asked you for more or less, I would have indicated that! Don’t assume because of my size that I want or need more or less. Serve me like everyone else! Then same with family gatherings, I noticed that same situations with food as well. A family member this past weekend had something to say about my plate, “That’s a small plate…”. She didn’t consider that maybe I was tired and was in a crappy mood, so I didn’t feel like eating. And at the whole table, she didn’t bother to ask everyone at the same time about their food when she asked me. It wasn’t until the end of the day, that people told everyone to pack food home.
This past week, I was out with a friend hanging out downtown and this “massage therapist” from Russia kept on harassing people about his over-charged remedies that I personally thought was a scam. He was grabbing people without consent and his personal space was too close. *His culture is more affectionate so I will indicate that for fairness.* I don’t wanna knock your hustle, but when my facial expressions indicate that you are violating my personal space, I’m trying to be distant from you, I’m ignoring your repetitive sales pitches and hand-typed “books” that I still think is a scam, and I want you to get the fuck away, then you need to do that. He kept on grabbing people and talking noise about his “services”. Then he was stereotyping me to get a sale because his ex-wife or girlfriend (whatever) was a beautiful black woman and then he was saying that he did natural healing. And you know what he brought up? WEIGHT LOSS. He was like “I will make you into a new person” over one sticking massage. Fuck you! Seriously? The gentleman and I was both overweight, so I’m not quite sure who he was talking about, but I got a feeling it was leaning towards me. All fat people do not HAVE to lose weight if they don’t want to and don’t have to if they are not ready to. Weight loss is not the primary goal of fat people and there are fat people that actually love their bodies. You can’t look at a person and assume their health.
People need to consider that all fat people want to do sometimes is to enjoy life without people badgering them or being overly concerned with their weight. Fat people are aware that we don’t have the same privileges of our skinny counterparts, so beating an already dead horse is unnecessary. You don’t need to tell us how fat we are because we know, we don’t want you to monitor what we wear, where we sit, how much food we consume ESPECIALLY without your consent. Not all fat people make their weight a central part of their lives. Every human being has things that they value as important, we have multi-faceted experiences, not all people have the same concerns and opinions that you do, so please be respectful. You can start being respectful by respecting our freedom to make our own choices and not enforcing yours, especially if it’s stemmed from fatphobia and ignorance.
Backstage of Vagina Monologues 2012, Louisville, KY, U of L
Close up from Vag Mo. Look is different from the Rehearsal photo that I’m getting ALL THESE LIKE FROM!!! Night #3 and serving it. I really miss my yarn braids!
TW: Thoughts of death, Suicide (maybe)
I’ve always had these thoughts about the idea of death. The thoughts of what will happen if I met death. The thoughts of death giving rest from this gloomy place. The thoughts of my spirit moving to a place other than earth. The thoughts of feeling my last heart beat and no longer having a pulse. The thoughts of the feeling of closing my eyes and taking that last breath and letting my spirit pass. The thoughts of going to sleep and never waking up. Reaching my hand out to a bright light, growing my white wings, and just flying to an eternal destination, wherever that may be. I hope that it’s heaven. The sound of soft music… violins and the melody of the piano and an orchestra with a choir singing. The instrumental of Barry White’s “Whatever We Had, We Had” is a perfect example. The harmonies of Marvin Gaye’s “Distant Lover” as the choir has a haunting, spiritual sound and the thought of Marvin Gaye not being here. The soulfulness of “Try a Little Tenderness” by Otis Redding. ”I Shall Wear A Crown” gospel song has always made me think about death and going home to heaven. The visions of wearing all white, soft and wispy fabric, blue water, clouds, soft wind blowing, the smell and visions of fresh plants and flowers… peace. The thought of meeting fellow angels and having joy, eternal joy.
I have been suicidal before, so I don’t know if what I’m writing is or not. Maybe I’m a little crazy. Maybe all the strains of life makes me think about the rest I may have about death. However, I don’t want to self-inflict death on myself, but I do think about death in a way that seems romantic. I just have those thoughts of laying on the ground and crossing over. I think of death as a phase of spiritual connection. As what people in the black church call a “homegoing”. Feeling rest because you are home. Heaven is home. I’m not saying that I’m not happy and that I don’t love life, but the idea of death is fascinating. Whenever I hear about people dying, I feel connected to them in a way and my heart feels heavy, but at peace. They are at rest. They are at home. I don’t think I’ll fully be at rest til my physical body dies and my spiritual body goes elsewhere.
However, when I met death, I don’t know how I’ll really react. I don’t know how I will die. Will it be a quick death? A casualty that with a blink of an eye or a sound of a snap, I’m gone? Or will it be a slow, painful death that I surrender after a long fight? Finally feeling that relief once I take my last breath and my spirit pass. I still fear death right now because of it’s uncertainty. Once I meet it, I wonder how it will be?
At least someone recognizes my hard work and effort! :)
Since I got anons on my dick the LAST TIME I wrote about my organization on my main page, I’m writing this on this one.
So apparently I thought about this in regards to my club and I came to the conclusion that when something good happens, everyone wants a slice of the pie.
Call me paranoid if you want to, but I really go to thinking on this after the events today.
So I had been working hard to get new executive members and for the next year. I’m graduating in less than a month and I fear that my group will die without good leadership. Today I texted a person that wanted to help and a person that was on the eboard that I thought could help. The person that was on the eboard this year was like, “I’m sorry, I have all these things to do and I can’t commit to a position at this time.” I really wished that she told me this in the first place. She did the basic, but just like everyone else, I could tell that it was the LAST on her list. Everyone operated like, “Well I’m going to do this on my time” rather than, “This is a new organization, so we need to do the best we can and give it tender love and care.” When I read a Ghandi quote, “Action expresses priorities”, that rang a bell.
It seemed that the reason why my group didn’t make much progress was a blend of reasons. Yes, I am a beginning leader and I have made plenty of mistakes, but another failure was that I didn’t have an eboard that could give the support to build the organization. Even if they TRULY were passionate about the cause, he leadership and discipline was not there. Everyone that was interviewed gave empty promises about how they was going to do this, this, and that… Nothing.
And it made me feel that either 1. They probably were passionate about the cause at hand, but didn’t have the tools or direction to lead or 2. They thought “this would look good on my resume”. 3. Other motive other than, because “I love this and I want to make the organization great”.
I felt like a few (not all) needed something to get involved in or to beef up their resume in some way.
Then, what pissed me off, was that some sorority girl wrote me and was like, “Hey I went to several of your events and I needed to sign this RSO paper” and I ask her what it was and which events she went to. She’s like “My sorority wants us to be in two RSO’s” and when I start asking specifics (cause I didn’t see her at ANY EVENTS), she stops writing, so I delete our whole conversation.
I’m not going to WASTE my time because SOME SORORITY GIRL wants to experience some dishonest gain over MY organization that I WORKED HARD FOR, especially if I don’t know if it will be successful because I attracted a bunch of HALF-ASSED people who don’t give a shit about what I WORKED HARD for.
FUCK THAT. I HATE ULTERIOR MOTIVES.
THAT IS ALL.
Happy Belated St. Patricks Day everyone!
Just showing off my hair growth after wearing my yarn braids for 2 months. I’m rocking my first SUCCESSFUL two-strand twist set! My hair has grown so much! Even after clipping split ends, I’m still getting some “hang time”! Here’s my look on St. Paddy’s Day 2012! :)